October thoughts

Some days I feel plagued by the future.
At a loss for words.
Not knowing what to think or feel.
Overwhelmed by the unknowns and monumental and significant decisions that I know are coming.
The sense of zero control for what is to come.
But having this desire to plan, to maximize and figure out the "best" path and strategy for my life. Why? Why I am I like this? Why do I bother even worrying about tomorrow when I'm not even there yet?


And yet, some days... some days I allow myself to remain in the present. To enjoy the beauty and simple significance of the moment that I am IN. To appreciate and notice the people who surround me, and to try and take in all the seemingly insignificant details that are occurring. And... I remember that there is a God who has it all woven ever so intricately and perfectly, and that whatever comes - whether that be good or bad - something will be gained from the experience. I remind myself what life is supposed to be about - the experiences and relationships we are called to be a part of. However, sometimes I forget this because I become too caught up in myself: my to-do's, my image, and my future. Yet, I know I'm not the only one who does this. We all become caught up in our plans and what is coming - how can we not? We want to "perfect" our lives, which most definitely requires planning. But, I also know that I am not perfect and therefore I can never live a perfect life. That I make mistakes, and that I'm human. And for that reason, I am never expected to be perfect - except for by perhaps myself. I find that I put these nearly unattainable expectations on myself, and when I don't reach them, I feel as if I'm a failure. Yet, when I pause and really think, I know this is not true, and that there is a God that sees me more than as just a failure, but as a beautifully crafted being that He created with ridiculously incredible plans in store. And for that reason, I am not scared of the future.


But am running towards it with arms wide open, embracing it in the beautiful presence of this single moment.

*Note: It's funny, I wrote this approximately one year ago, and today as I was sifting through the notes on my phone I stumbled upon it again, and was astounded because although they were words that a previous version of myself had written when I was at a very different point in my life, they were still words that rang true in my mind and that I found myself needing to hear. It's funny how one's own personal struggles and thoughts will often times repeat themselves, or, at least it is the case for me. Perhaps you can relate, and hopefully these words can offer some positivity to your day too.